Hopefully, I'll be using LJ a little more often than I have been. I've been thinking of different things that I would like to write about so when I do write said things I'll post them here. I've been learning a lot about religion and history so I'm thinking of writing some stuff about that.
I have to talk about my newest obsession: The Nightrunner Series by Lynn Flewelling. It's amazing!!!! I absolutely love it!!! Slash is cannon, squeee!!!! Everyone must read these books!!! The 1st one is Luck in the Shadows. The characters are incredible and the story is fascinating. I highly recommend them.
I hope everyone has a wonderful new year!!!!
<3333
- Location:my bed
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:stop and stare by onerepublic
Here's the story: http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-a
This story really got to me. This poor boy was bullied for years and got tired of the pain and shot himself in a school bathroom. My heart just breaks for him. I know how he felt, I've been there. I was made fun of in junior high and I then turned on myself and started calling myself all the horrible names those kids use to call me, I essentially became my own bully. And I've been on the verge of killing myself once or twice. I know what it's like to be in so much pain and feel that the only way to make it stop is to shoot yourself or jump off a cliff (which is what I was considering). The only reason I didn't do it was because I knew I would hurt my brother, Abel, and the kids and my mom, and I couldn't do that to them. If I wasn't going to hurt anybody else, I probably would have done it, and that is really scary! I just felt so bad for this boy, I wish someone would've have done something about the bullies and tired to help this kid. This tragedy could have been prevented.
A big part of the story was how the schools are dealing with bullies. For some reason the administrators think that they should punish everyone even the kids, who are getting bullied and fighting back. Jeremiah (the boy who committed suicide) use to fight back against the bullies but would get in trouble for it, so he stop fighting back and just took what the other kids did to him. Why are they punishing the kids who are being bullied! Did they not ask him why he was fighting!!!! Maybe they should have! There was another boy talked about in the article, he was having trash and rocks thrown at him and his mom told him to tell the coach but the kid said that if he did that then the whole team would be punished. WTF?!! Why would the whole team be punished instead of the kids who are throwing trash and rocks at other kids!!! Why are they not getting in trouble?!!! It seems like the kids who are getting picked on are getting in more trouble then the ones that should be getting punished for treating other people this way!!!
People ask me why I don't want to have kids, this is why! I can't bring myself to bring another human being into this world with the chance that they will go through something like this. People, and kids especially, can be so rude and mean to each other. I work in retail so I have to deal with people all day and it does not make me very optimistic about humanity. People are so self-absorbed and rude, I’m not sure if this is a recent development in human history or it’s how people have always behaved. There is no common-courtesy or common-sense, why they have the word “common” in them is beyond me.
My heart just goes out to Jeremiah and his family. I just hope that from this comes some changes in the way schools deal with bullies.
RIP Jeremiah, I hope you are in a better place and have finally found peace.
- Location:home
- Mood:
sympathetic
I'm going to go see a therapist for my depression. I need to do something, just taking the meds isn't enough and I feel like my life is completely out of my control. Sometimes I can't stop thinking horrible things about life and especially myself. And even now that I'm trying to get help, there's a part of thinks that my problems are as bad as some people's problems so I don't deserve to get help. That's how I always think, I'm not good enough for anything.
Well, I'm really tired and I can't think very well right now so I'm going to bed.......
- Mood:
depressed
Well, I'm going to go back to school, I think I want to be a teacher, I guess that's a career plan but part of me still isn't sure that's what I want to do. I'm going to loose the weight but I'm not going to starve myself or take diet pills or try and loose it all by a certain time 'cause that just stresses me out. I'm going to exercise and eat healthier because I'm pretty out of shape and that's not healthy and the weight will come off when it comes off. And the older I get the more important it is for me to be healthy because I really don't want to end up with diabetes or something. I bought a workbook for depression and hopefully that will help. I think my depression is something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life, so I need to learn how to deal with so it's not such a major factor in my life.
- Mood:
exhausted
He told me back in March or April that he was leaving. Back in February I had started to work out and I was loosing weight. I told myself I was doing it for me but who am I kidding, it was mainly for him. And then he goes and tells me he's leaving!! wtf!! So, I stopped exercising and started eating lots of junk food, I was upset and depressed, I even went of my meds for a while, I'm sure that was real helpful! *rolls eyes* But then I thought that maybe if I lost the weight he would stay with me. Stupid, I know, but that's what I wanted. But there was no way I could loose all the weight by June and so I said 'screw it, its impossible' and so I stopped trying to loose weight completely. I'm so mad at myself!! How could I let myself get so wrapped up in this guy that he has this much control over me! And now he's leaving and part of me wonders if I had lost the weight would he stay. The thing is I don't know, he has a good thing with his girlfriend and it's a sure thing. With me, there's no guarantee that it'll last and right now it seems so much of my life is up in the air.
I know this is for the best but it still sucks!!! :(
- Location:in bed
- Mood: sad
- Location:not at Portus
- Mood: nostalgic
- Music:Mercy by Duffy
Since before I was in High School all I ever wanted, more than anything else, is a "perfect body" - thin, tall, big boobs, the whole package. The body I have is not good enough and never has been, even when I was a size 5/7. I'm now a size 13/14 and feel like I'm the fattest thing in the world. And my boobs aren't big enough, I'm a 38C right now but when I was smaller I was a B-cup. I'm a natural blonde, so I guess I have that going for me, or so people tell me but having blonde hair hasn't ever gotten me loads of guys lining up to be with me. I'm only 5' 2", that's not tall and that's something I'm never going to be able to change, but really my height is the least of my complaints about myself. People have told me that I have a pretty face but I don't see it because I know I don't look like the models in the magazines. All I see when I look in the mirror is my bad skin - I've been told it's not that bad but to me its horrible - and my weight. And frankly I blame the media!! I need to blame something right?! I remember pouring over magazines when I was a teenager wanting nothing more but to look like the models in them and have guys look at me the way they look at the models. Who cares what their personality or mine was like, it doesn't matter as long as your hot, right!!!
We are bombarded with images of women who are super thin and tall with prefect skin and beautiful faces, who seem to have no imperfections what-so-ever, and there's no mention that these images have been air-brushed and edited so they look a certain way. I think there should be a disclaimer saying this is not how people look in real life even the models don't look like this, they've had their hair and make-up done and air-brushed so they look perfect and to make you think this is what your supposed to look like and if you don't your not worth the time of day.
Then we're told our only goal in life should be to get a guy to check us out. And the way you get a guy to notice you is to wear as little clothing as you can wear without being arrested for indecent exposure. And you should let any guy touch your boobs as long as he asks nicely. WTF?! You know, I have felt like crap for years now because I don't look like the girls on tv and I don't just let anyone touch me, in fact if I don't know you don't even think about. But I feel like I don't even have to worry about that because according to the media I'm too fat for anyone to want to be around me and it pisses me off. I'm a nice person and I think I make pretty good company but I still feel uncomfortable around people, even my friends, because of my weight.
So the only thing I've been focusing on is how I look and how guys respond to me. It doesn't matter that I have a good personality or that I'm smart or funny, all that matters is what I look like. That's the thinking that I've been living with for years now. I'm trying to change that but changing the way you think, especially about yourself, is really hard. Sometimes I want to stay overweight just as a way of protest and to see if anyone would want to be with me despite my flaws, then I'd really know that they liked me for me and not just because I looked a certain way, I don't want someone that shallow.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it when I notice that someone is checking me out, who doesn't?! And I am trying to loose the weight but it's not for anyone else anymore, its for me. I know I'd feel better if I dropped the weight, and I'd be healthier which is a good thing, there are a lot of health problems that come with being over-weight. So it'll be better in the long run if I loose the weight. But, you know, if I don't get back down to a size 5, I'll be okay. I have been exercising and I'm down a size, I was a 15/16 and now I'm a 13/14, so that's good, I'm making progress. Let me tell you it was so nice to try on the size 13 pants and be able to button them up and they weren't too tight, they were actually comfortable. Oh, I felt so good!! So, I'm on my way to loosing the weight but I do still wish it would come off faster but I'm not going to starve myself, I do want to do this the healthy way.
Just FYI, I know its been a while since I posted, I've just been really busy with work and there's been a lot of other stuff going on so I haven't had time to just sit at the computer and play around on LJ. Also, I'm not going to be able to go to Portus, I just don't have the money, which really sucks. I'll miss seeing all my Harry Potter friends. LOL and I hope you guys have a great time, I'm sure you will.
- Mood:
okay
They have interviews on specific dates around the U.S. I'm going to the one in Las Vegas on September 7th, that's the closest one to me. So, I have 7 months to get my classes done and get everything in order. I'm not sure how long after the interview, if I get the job *knocks on wood and crosses figures*, that I go off to training. And, OMG, guess where the training is.... LONDON!!!!!!! *SQUEEEEEEEEE* ZOMG, ZOMG!!!!! *jumping-up-and-down* You mean I have to go to London for this job, no way!!!! I'm so there!!!!! Oh, god I hope I get this job it would be the best thing that's ever happened for me!! I reeeeeeeaally want this job!!!!!!
And I'm really going to try and find a way to go to Portus. I really want to go. I already asked for a refund and got it because I needed that money and I really didn't know how I was going to pay for the room and the flight. But I still have a room reserved and I'm gonna try and register again soon. (I know it's gonna cost me more now but there's nothing I can do about that?) Maybe I'll be able to put it on my credit card, we'll see, I have to pay for those classes first. I really do want to go, I just need to find a way to pay for it. It's a lot of money and I, frankly, don't have a lot of money. I wish I did it would make things a lot easier, I have to say. I don't need tons of money but enough to pay all my bills and support myself, just live comfortably, I'd be happy.
- Mood:
excited
There's someone at my mom's temple who works in cruise industry and gave her a bunch of info about it. I still need to go through all of it but I think that it's definitely something I would like to do. My room and board is taken care of, I don't have to pay anything and that way I can put all - or most - of my money towards my credit cards. So, when I'm done I'll more-than-likely be able to support myself. So, I'm looking forward to what's to come.
Oh, I'm back on my Prozac, and wow what a difference. You know, I here a lot of people talk about how we as a nation are on too many prescription drugs. And that may be true, but sometimes they do work and some people do need them. So, for now I'm going to keep taking them. I'm going to loose the weight, I've actually been working out pretty consistently the past 2 weeks, just haven't done it the past few days because I was sick but tomorrow it's back to my exercise routine. And I need to learn to happy in my own skin and happy with who I am. And then I'll go off of them the way your suppose to.
- Mood:
determined - Music:Low (feat. T-Pain) by Flo Rida
- Mood:
confused
Okay so I'm sick (I have a cold) and I just started my period and I've been off my meds (anti-depressants) for about 3 weeks, so it might be all of these things making this 100 times worse than it really is. I think I'm just super emotional right now but still I hate this feeling. I thought that he liked me, that the feelings I had for him were mutual but I'm not sure if that's true. And that makes me really, really sad. It's like what have I been doing for the past few months if he didn't feel anything for me. I feel used and dirty and stupid and angry. I really thought that he had feelings for me but I guess I was just being an idiot.
I'm so tired of living at home and work really sucks right now. I need a new job. Actually I need a new life, that would be much better. Sometimes I just want to run away!!!! I want to find someone who actually cares about me and wants to be with me. Is that too much to ask for? I don't know, maybe I'm looking to hard or I'm looking in all the wrong places, I just don't know.
I'm looking at getting a job on a cruise ship. It would be really cool and I'd be on my own which would be really nice. I've been looking online and it looks like the process can take awhile but I think it could be a great experience. And it would be cool to say that I got to do that.
Oh, I feel like shit. I need to go lie down. I'm so mad at myself for this whole situtation, for falling for him, for thinking that he felt the same way I did. I'm such a fool.
- Location:going back to bed
- Mood:
sick
All I want is to have somebody who wants me as much as I want them. I don't want a lot of drama. I don't want there to be another person involved. I want passion, pure unadulterated passion. Why can't I find someone? I'll have feelings for someone but even if those feelings are reciprocated, there's always complications, like they're already with someone. Then I go off and make-out with someone because I'm upset that the person I want is someone I can't have. But I don't feel anything for the person I'm making-out with, I just want to be close to someone but I don't really want them, so I stop because there's no point in continuing, there are no feelings and hence no passion. Oh, I hate being lonely it makes me act so desperate and I hate that!!
I don't want to just fool around with someone anymore. Especially just because I'm lonely and I want somebody next to me. I want something real!! Is that even possible? For the longest time I said I didn't want a relationship but that's not true. I was scared that it would be like my last one (and might I add, my first one) and that was over 4 years ago. When I let myself fall for someone I fall hard and I tend to give everything to that person. That's what happen, I gave everything to him and gave up so much of my life and self to be with him. I dropped out of college for him, I gained weight and that seemed to make him happy (because then no one else would look at me) and all I wanted was for him to be happy, even if I was miserable. I don't want to do that again and I'm scarred that it will if I get into another relationship.
And I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future and I don't want to hurt anyone or get hurt myself. What if some really great opportunity comes my way, (such as a dream career or an opportunity to travel, something I would just love to do) and I don't take it because I don't want to hurt the person I'm with. So, I thought I would just fool around, not get involved with anyone and if something like that came along I could take it and no one would get hurt, I could get up and leave if I wanted/needed to. That way everything would be great, I wouldn't be torn between doing something I would love to do and someone that I've fallen in love with, but things aren't great, they kind of suck and I'm really lonely and I want to be with someone. And how do I know that anything like that will ever happen, I would love it to, but how do I know it would or even could happen? And since I don't know that anything like that will happen, am I suppose to stay alone just in case some opportunity may or may not come my way? I don't like that prospect, it's a very lonely prospect....
And I wrote another fic, it's not HP, and well it's not completely fiction,either, it's a little autobiographical, sorta. It's PG-13, you know what they're doing but there's nothing graphic. I was going to describe what they were doing but I decided to go with what's going through their heads as things are happening, instead. A lot of it is from her point of view 'cause it's hard for me to know what goes on in his head. Hope you like it, let me know what you guys think.
- Location:home with the kids
- Mood: lonely
- Music:Take Me or Leave Me from Rent
I bought a Wicked jacket, shirt and 2 key chains! I'm starting my Wicked collection to go along with my Harry Potter one. (Granted it will take a lot more Wicked stuff to even come close to the amount of Harry Potter stuff I have! :D) Oh, but I had so much fun. Caitlin, dear, we must do things like this more often!! And we decided to walk back to Hollywood and Highland instead of taking the shuttle. So, we walked down Hollywood Blvd for a few blocks, it was very interesting, to say the least. Very interesting people on Hollywood Blvd and there were people from all walks of life on that street. It just kinda makes you think.
In other news, I'm not sure if I'll be able to go to Portus this year. I don't have the money and unless I can find a way to pay for it I won't be able to go. :(
Well, I'm going to bed, I'm soooo tired! I did 5 massages today and now I need a massage and bed!!!
- Location:on my way to...*falls on bed fast asleep*
- Mood: exhausted
- Music:No Good Deed from Wicked
And I am totally crushing on Idina Menzel, who played Elphaba in the original broadway production. She is incredible!! Her voice is amazing, she's a great actress and she's gorgeous!! She just came out with a cd and it's really good, I highly recommend it!! And I went out and bought Rent (she's in that, as well) and it was really good. Idina plays a lesbian in the movie!! *tee hee* Oh, man, I love her!! *having a fangirl moment*
I love Wicked!!!
:D
- Location:in fangirl heaven ;)
- Mood: enthralled
- Music:Brave by Idina Menzel
The death of Heath Ledger really hit me because he's only a few years older than I am. I had just turned on the radio and the news came on and they said he had died. At first I thought I must have heard the name wrong it couldn't be who I thought it was. But it was him and all I could think of is he's only like 3 years older than me and it seemed to come so out of left field! I mean we really haven't head anything like he had a drug problem or issues with depression or anything like that. We hear everyday how messed up Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are but there seemed to be no indication that there was a problem with him. I guess he didn't go around publicizing his problems. I just felt so sad for him and his family.
Anyway, it made me really think about things. Like what's really important and what I really want to get out of my life. I'm not sure I have the answers to these questions yet, but these things have been on my mind.
I gave my 2 week notice to Borders, I'm going to go work at the spa full time. I figured it out and I'll be making more money than I'm making now and I'll only have to work 5 days a week instead of 6. Since I told them I'm leaving, lots of people have told me they'll miss me and that I did a really good job in the kids section and it's been really nice to hear all these things. It's made me think about staying but I know I need to do this, I need the money and I really want more time to hang-out with my friends and just enjoy life. But it's nice to know that people like having you around. I've just always thought no one really liked me, (really it was me who didn't like me) that's why I'm surprised when realize that people do actually like me or they want to help me out. I just never expect that from anyone.
- Mood: thoughtful
Is there such a thing as faint? On the first, I was going to ask the spa I work at if I could work there full time and then I would quit Borders, and if that wouldn't work out I was going to start looking for another job. But before I could do any of these things, I got a phone call from a girl I use to work with at the spa. She is now a medical biller, and she knew I use to be one, and the company she works for is hiring. So, she called me and asked me if I wanted another job, and I was like "YES"!!! So, the past few days she has been helping me with my resume and she talked to the boss and put in a good word for me. She e-mailed my resume last night and now I'm waiting to see if they call me for an interview. You know, even if I don't get this job, I realized that there are people out there willing to help other people. I've never had anyone help me out like she did, I had no idea how to do a resume and she took time out to help me write it and talk to her boss about me. It was just really nice of her and I was kind of surprised but happy that she did this for me.
I already told Borders that I couldn't continue working the hours I've been working, that it's effecting my health. And they don't want me to leave and if I don't get this other job, I already told them about it because if I do get it, I'm definitely going to take it, it's better money, much better, with benefits and holidays. But if I don't get it, they (Borders) are willing to keep me on and work out a schedule that I can handle better. I feel like I'm being weak or something by saying I can't work these kind of hours. But I just can't, my body is just not able to function properly when I have to be up so early. Some people just aren't cut out to work early hours and I guess I'm one of them. I feel like a walking zombie, I can't think clearly and I know it's the hours, I just can't do it anymore.
- Location:going to go lay down
- Mood: exhausted
- Music:My World by Sick Puppies
- Location:on my way to a party
- Mood: optimistic
- Music:The Spill Canvas
And I did go to the doctor and get blood work done, and I got the test results back. But I really don't want to talk about that right now, I will post about it soon. I need to go take a shower and get ready for bed since I have to be at work at 6am. I'm thinking of getting a new job.
- Mood: sick
- Mood: amused
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
inell, who I love and think is a wonderful writer. She's written many o' fics and every single one that I've read is great. So, if you like good fics, you should check out her stuff. She has almost every pairing you can think of and it's not all rated adult, although those are my fav. *blushes slightly* *tee hee*Here it is:
http://inell.livejournal.com/659496.html
- Mood:
naughty
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