There are 3 things that I've learned never to discuss with people...

It's 2009...

2009-01-01T07:34:03Z

.... well, in about an hour. 2008 has been a difficult year. I've gone through a lot and I've also learned a lot. I've been in therapy for a few months now and a lot of stuff has come out and I think I'm working through my issues. It's a very slow process but I'm learning that I have to take baby steps to get better. It's also helped me learn a lot more about myself and who I want to be.

Hopefully, I'll be using LJ a little more often than I have been. I've been thinking of different things that I would like to write about so when I do write said things I'll post them here. I've been learning a lot about religion and history so I'm thinking of writing some stuff about that.

I have to talk about my newest obsession: The Nightrunner Series by Lynn Flewelling. It's amazing!!!! I absolutely love it!!! Slash is cannon, squeee!!!! Everyone must read these books!!! The 1st one is Luck in the Shadows. The characters are incredible and the story is fascinating. I highly recommend them.

I hope everyone has a wonderful new year!!!!

<3333

I know it's been awhile but I had to share this.....

2008-10-24T06:57:27Z

Here's the story: http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-acton22-2008oct22,0,5808444.story

This story really got to me. This poor boy was bullied for years and got tired of the pain and shot himself in a school bathroom. My heart just breaks for him. I know how he felt, I've been there. I was made fun of in junior high and I then turned on myself and started calling myself all the horrible names those kids use to call me, I essentially became my own bully. And I've been on the verge of killing myself once or twice. I know what it's like to be in so much pain and feel that the only way to make it stop is to shoot yourself or jump off a cliff (which is what I was considering). The only reason I didn't do it was because I knew I would hurt my brother, Abel, and the kids and my mom, and I couldn't do that to them. If I wasn't going to hurt anybody else, I probably would have done it, and that is really scary! I just felt so bad for this boy, I wish someone would've have done something about the bullies and tired to help this kid. This tragedy could have been prevented.

A big part of the story was how the schools are dealing with bullies. For some reason the administrators think that they should punish everyone even the kids, who are getting bullied and fighting back. Jeremiah (the boy who committed suicide) use to fight back against the bullies but would get in trouble for it, so he stop fighting back and just took what the other kids did to him. Why are they punishing the kids who are being bullied! Did they not ask him why he was fighting!!!! Maybe they should have! There was another boy talked about in the article, he was having trash and rocks thrown at him and his mom told him to tell the coach but the kid said that if he did that then the whole team would be punished. WTF?!! Why would the whole team be punished instead of the kids who are throwing trash and rocks at other kids!!! Why are they not getting in trouble?!!! It seems like the kids who are getting picked on are getting in more trouble then the ones that should be getting punished for treating other people this way!!!

People ask me why I don't want to have kids, this is why! I can't bring myself to bring another human being into this world with the chance that they will go through something like this. People, and kids especially, can be so rude and mean to each other. I work in retail so I have to deal with people all day and it does not make me very optimistic about humanity. People are so self-absorbed and rude, I’m not sure if this is a recent development in human history or it’s how people have always behaved. There is no common-courtesy or common-sense, why they have the word “common” in them is beyond me.

My heart just goes out to Jeremiah and his family. I just hope that from this comes some changes in the way schools deal with bullies.

RIP Jeremiah, I hope you are in a better place and have finally found peace.

Well, He's gone and I.....

2008-07-30T06:00:56Z

am not quit sure what to do with myself. I'm very sad, which I guess is expected, and, well, I've learned a lot from this experience. I guess there's really nothing else I can do but move on and use what I've learned. I guess I just wish things had been different or turned out differently. But I guess wishing for something doesn't make it so. I need to take that one to heart. I've wished for lots of things and no of it's come to true. That's the story of my life, just sitting and wishing for things to change, not really able to do much else.

I'm going to go see a therapist for my depression. I need to do something, just taking the meds isn't enough and I feel like my life is completely out of my control. Sometimes I can't stop thinking horrible things about life and especially myself. And even now that I'm trying to get help, there's a part of thinks that my problems are as bad as some people's problems so I don't deserve to get help. That's how I always think, I'm not good enough for anything.

Well, I'm really tired and I can't think very well right now so I'm going to bed.......

I only have 4 more years until I'm 30.....

2008-07-19T17:36:27Z

... and that is really scary!!! In a few weeks I'll be 26 and what do I have to show for it. Not much, I can tell you that. I'm pretty much in the same situation I was in when I was 21. I'm helping take care of two kids, I live with my mom, I'm not in school, I don't have a career or a career plan, I'm depressed and lonely. The only thing that's really changed is I'm five years older. And the thing is that the past five years has gone by so fast it's kind of a blur and I've spent most of the time being depressed. I just know that I don't want to be in this position in four years. That means I need to make some changes but I really need to take the time to make those changes. I've wanted to make the same changes for five years but I kept expecting it to happen over night and it just doesn't work that way. I know I'm really hard on myself and I really shouldn't beat myself up but I do it all the time, I'm never good enough.

Well, I'm going to go back to school, I think I want to be a teacher, I guess that's a career plan but part of me still isn't sure that's what I want to do. I'm going to loose the weight but I'm not going to starve myself or take diet pills or try and loose it all by a certain time 'cause that just stresses me out. I'm going to exercise and eat healthier because I'm pretty out of shape and that's not healthy and the weight will come off when it comes off. And the older I get the more important it is for me to be healthy because I really don't want to end up with diabetes or something. I bought a workbook for depression and hopefully that will help. I think my depression is something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life, so I need to learn how to deal with so it's not such a major factor in my life.

He's leaving.....

2008-07-16T12:31:51Z

So, its 4am and I can't sleep. You know that guy, yeah he's still around but not for much longer and that's my problem. He's moving up north with his girlfriend. Which, I know, in my head, is the best thing because I can't continue whatever it is that we have. The fact is that I really do care about him and part of me doesn't want him to go. He told me a few months back that he was going to be moving and actually I thought he was going to leave in June and that didn't happen. And yesterday at work he said he needed to talk to our boss but she had already left. It didn't hit me until I was driving home that he was probably going give his notice. I got chocked up when I thought about it. I mean I knew he was leaving so I should have been prepared for this. And the last couple weeks I've been like, I wish he would just leave so I can move on. But I'm not ready for him to leave yet...

He told me back in March or April that he was leaving. Back in February I had started to work out and I was loosing weight. I told myself I was doing it for me but who am I kidding, it was mainly for him. And then he goes and tells me he's leaving!! wtf!! So, I stopped exercising and started eating lots of junk food, I was upset and depressed, I even went of my meds for a while, I'm sure that was real helpful! *rolls eyes* But then I thought that maybe if I lost the weight he would stay with me. Stupid, I know, but that's what I wanted. But there was no way I could loose all the weight by June and so I said 'screw it, its impossible' and so I stopped trying to loose weight completely. I'm so mad at myself!! How could I let myself get so wrapped up in this guy that he has this much control over me! And now he's leaving and part of me wonders if I had lost the weight would he stay. The thing is I don't know, he has a good thing with his girlfriend and it's a sure thing. With me, there's no guarantee that it'll last and right now it seems so much of my life is up in the air.

I know this is for the best but it still sucks!!! :(

I wish I was at Portus right now.....

2008-07-13T07:51:38Z

I should be there, but no, I'm poor, which really sucks, I have to tell you. Okay, I know its been a while since I posted, sorry. I don't know why I stopped coming to LJ but I'm gonna try and come here a little more often. I knew Portus was this weekend and I really want to be there. I miss everyone so much. And I know everyone is having so much fun. Its so weird not being there this year. Hopefully my money situation will get better and I can go to the next one......

The main reason I don't like myself.....

2008-04-27T01:56:24Z

For as long as I can remember, I've hated everything, well maybe not everything but almost everything about myself. I hate everything about the way I look. I do think my personality is pretty good but that never seemed to matter much to me. Let me tell you what started this, my friend had this on her LJ: http://inkspottedtea.livejournal.com/94431.html (sorry I can't do the link thing) You can follow her link to find out what made her write what she wrote but be warned it was really stupid and degrading, I couldn't even read all of it. So, reading the bits of what that guy wrote and reading what my friend wrote kind of brought things that I've been thinking about lately and the stuff that I've been going through for years now to a head.

Since before I was in High School all I ever wanted, more than anything else, is a "perfect body" - thin, tall, big boobs, the whole package. The body I have is not good enough and never has been, even when I was a size 5/7. I'm now a size 13/14 and feel like I'm the fattest thing in the world. And my boobs aren't big enough, I'm a 38C right now but when I was smaller I was a B-cup. I'm a natural blonde, so I guess I have that going for me, or so people tell me but having blonde hair hasn't ever gotten me loads of guys lining up to be with me. I'm only 5' 2", that's not tall and that's something I'm never going to be able to change, but really my height is the least of my complaints about myself. People have told me that I have a pretty face but I don't see it because I know I don't look like the models in the magazines. All I see when I look in the mirror is my bad skin - I've been told it's not that bad but to me its horrible - and my weight. And frankly I blame the media!! I need to blame something right?! I remember pouring over magazines when I was a teenager wanting nothing more but to look like the models in them and have guys look at me the way they look at the models. Who cares what their personality or mine was like, it doesn't matter as long as your hot, right!!!

We are bombarded with images of women who are super thin and tall with prefect skin and beautiful faces, who seem to have no imperfections what-so-ever, and there's no mention that these images have been air-brushed and edited so they look a certain way. I think there should be a disclaimer saying this is not how people look in real life even the models don't look like this, they've had their hair and make-up done and air-brushed so they look perfect and to make you think this is what your supposed to look like and if you don't your not worth the time of day.

Then we're told our only goal in life should be to get a guy to check us out. And the way you get a guy to notice you is to wear as little clothing as you can wear without being arrested for indecent exposure.  And you should let any guy touch your boobs as long as he asks nicely.  WTF?! You know, I have felt like crap for years now because I don't look like the girls on tv and I don't just let anyone touch me, in fact if I don't know you don't even think about. But I feel like I don't even have to worry about that because according to the media I'm too fat for anyone to want to be around me and it pisses me off. I'm a nice person and I think I make pretty good company but I still feel uncomfortable around people, even my friends, because of my weight.

So the only thing I've been focusing on is how I look and how guys respond to me. It doesn't matter that I have a good personality or that I'm smart or funny, all that matters is what I look like. That's the thinking that I've been living with for years now. I'm trying to change that but changing the way you think, especially about yourself, is really hard. Sometimes I want to stay overweight just as a way of protest and to see if anyone would want to be with me despite my flaws, then I'd really know that they liked me for me and not just because I looked a certain way, I don't want someone that shallow.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it when I notice that someone is checking me out, who doesn't?! And I am trying to loose the weight but it's not for anyone else anymore, its for me. I know I'd feel better if I dropped the weight, and I'd be healthier which is a good thing, there are a lot of health problems that come with being over-weight. So it'll be better in the long run if I loose the weight.  But, you know, if I don't get back down to a size 5, I'll be okay.  I have been exercising and I'm down a size, I was a 15/16 and now I'm a 13/14, so that's good, I'm making progress. Let me tell you it was so nice to try on the size 13 pants and be able to button them up and they weren't too tight, they were actually comfortable.  Oh, I felt so good!!  So, I'm on my way to loosing the weight but I do still wish it would come off faster but I'm not going to starve myself, I do want to do this the healthy way.

Just FYI, I know its been a while since I posted, I've just been really busy with work and there's been a lot of other stuff going on so I haven't had time to just sit at the computer and play around on LJ.  Also, I'm not going to be able to go to Portus, I just don't have the money, which really sucks. I'll miss seeing all my Harry Potter friends. LOL and I hope you guys have a great time, I'm sure you will.

I want that job!!!!!!

2008-03-08T18:03:40Z

Okay, well, I sent in my application to become a massage therapist on a cruise ship!!!! I got an e-mail back saying they received it and I should get more info soon. I'm kind of nervous, I really, really want this!!! It would be so cool!! I'd get to travel around the world and that's something I've always wanted to do. I wanted to find a career that would take me all over the world. Who new I already had that?!! It looks like the only thing I need is Sports Massage, which is something I wanted to take anyway. So, I'm going to take that class and maybe one other one and I'll be good to go. The only thing is that I need to figure out how I'm going to pay for the classes. I applied for another credit card and hopefully that will cover the costs of the classes. I really don't need another credit card, I'm in debt up to my eye-balls but I need to pay for these classes, so I can get this job. And when I get the job I'll be making like 3 times as much as I'm making now and I won't have to pay rent or anything like that so I can put almost all earnings towards paying off my credit cards and soon be debt free. That will be very nice.  And I'll be traveling all-the-while, it'll be so awesome!!!!

They have interviews on specific dates around the U.S. I'm going to the one in Las Vegas on September 7th, that's the closest one to me. So, I have 7 months to get my classes done and get everything in order. I'm not sure how long after the interview, if I get the job *knocks on wood and crosses figures*, that I go off to training. And, OMG, guess where the training is.... LONDON!!!!!!!   *SQUEEEEEEEEE* ZOMG, ZOMG!!!!! *jumping-up-and-down* You mean I have to go to London for this job, no way!!!! I'm so there!!!!! Oh, god I hope I get this job it would be the best thing that's ever happened for me!!   I reeeeeeeaally want this job!!!!!!

And I'm really going to try and find a way to go to Portus. I really want to go. I already asked for a refund and got it because I needed that money and I really didn't know how I was going to pay for the room and the flight. But I still have a room reserved and I'm gonna try and register again soon. (I know it's gonna cost me more now but there's nothing I can do about that?) Maybe I'll be able to put it on my credit card, we'll see, I have to pay for those classes first. I really do want to go, I just need to find a way to pay for it. It's a lot of money and I, frankly, don't have a lot of money. I wish I did it would make things a lot easier, I have to say. I don't need tons of money but enough to pay all my bills and support myself, just live comfortably, I'd be happy.

I'm done with that and I'm ready for something new....

2008-03-03T03:56:02Z

I give up on trying to figure him out. I can't do it, I just can't. I don't know how he feels, I've tried asking but all I get are evasive answers or a question in return, which is very annoying, I have to say. Sometimes it seems like he has feelings for me but then there are times when I don't think that's the case. I'm just very confused about the whole situation. So, I give up!! I'm tired of wasting time and energy trying to figure out what we are or who feels what. I'm done. Whatever happens, happens and I'm not going to loose anymore sleep over him.  Sometimes I think that this might be all I'll ever get but I know I should think like that. I don't need him to make me miserable, I do that well enough on my own, thank-you-very-much.

There's someone at my mom's temple who works in cruise industry and gave her a bunch of info about it. I still need to go through all of it but I think that it's definitely something I would like to do. My room and board is taken care of, I don't have to pay anything and that way I can put all - or most - of my money towards my credit cards.  So, when I'm done I'll more-than-likely be able to support myself. So, I'm looking forward to what's to come.

Oh, I'm back on my Prozac, and wow what a difference. You know, I here a lot of people talk about how we as a nation are on too many prescription drugs. And that may be true, but sometimes they do work and some people do need them. So, for now I'm going to keep taking them. I'm going to loose the weight, I've actually been working out pretty consistently the past 2 weeks, just haven't done it the past few days because I was sick but tomorrow it's back to my exercise routine.  And I need to learn to happy in my own skin and happy with who I am. And then I'll go off of them the way your suppose to.

scratching head

2008-03-02T01:36:09Z

So, I'm trying to find out how to get a job on a cruise ship and I can't seem to get a simple answer. Like go here or do this. No, what I'm getting is if you buy my book or this membership we'll foward your info and you'll get a job, yeah right!! I guess I need to look around some more. Maybe I need to go to the cruise line directly but some say that's not a good idea. I'm very confused??? Maybe I should do this when I feel better and can think a little more clearly. This cold is not fun. My head feels like its 30lbs. Ugh!!

Worst feeling in the world....

2008-03-01T19:50:54Z

Okay so I'm sick (I have a cold) and I just started my period and I've been off my meds (anti-depressants) for about 3 weeks, so it might be all of these things making this 100 times worse than it really is. I think I'm just super emotional right now but still I hate this feeling. I thought that he liked me, that the feelings I had for him were mutual but I'm not sure if that's true. And that makes me really, really sad. It's like what have I been doing for the past few months if he didn't feel anything for me. I feel used and dirty and stupid and angry. I really thought that he had feelings for me but I guess I was just being an idiot.

I'm so tired of living at home and work really sucks right now. I need a new job. Actually I need a new life, that would be much better. Sometimes I just want to run away!!!! I want to find someone who actually cares about me and wants to be with me. Is that too much to ask for? I don't know, maybe I'm looking to hard or I'm looking in all the wrong places, I just don't know.

I'm looking at getting a job on a cruise ship. It would be really cool and I'd be on my own which would be really nice. I've been looking online and it looks like the process can take awhile but I think it could be a great experience. And it would be cool to say that I got to do that.

Oh, I feel like shit. I need to go lie down. I'm so mad at myself for this whole situtation, for falling for him, for thinking that he felt the same way I did. I'm such a fool.

What do I want? Sometimes I'm not even sure....

2008-02-23T20:56:47Z

So, I was at work the other day and wrote this...

All I want is to have somebody who wants me as much as I want them. I don't want a lot of drama. I don't want there to be another person involved. I want passion, pure unadulterated passion. Why can't I find someone? I'll have feelings for someone but even if those feelings are reciprocated, there's always complications, like they're already with someone.  Then I go off and make-out with someone because I'm upset that the person I want is someone I can't have.  But I don't feel anything for the person I'm making-out with, I just want to be close to someone but I don't really want them, so I stop because there's no point in continuing, there are no feelings and hence no passion.  Oh, I hate being lonely it makes me act so desperate and I hate that!!

I don't want to just fool around with someone anymore. Especially just because I'm lonely and I want somebody next to me. I want something real!! Is that even possible? For the longest time I said I didn't want a relationship but that's not true. I was scared that it would be like my last one (and might I add, my first one) and that was over 4 years ago. When I let myself fall for someone I fall hard and I tend to give everything to that person.  That's what happen, I gave everything to him and gave up so much of my life and self to be with him. I dropped out of college for him, I gained weight and that seemed to make him happy (because then no one else would look at me) and all I wanted was for him to be happy, even if I was miserable. I don't want to do that again and I'm scarred that it will if I get into another relationship.

And I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future and I don't want to hurt anyone or get hurt myself. What if some really great opportunity comes my way, (such as a dream career or an opportunity to travel, something I would just love to do) and I don't take it because I don't want to hurt the person I'm with. So, I thought I would just fool around, not get involved with anyone and if something like that came along I could take it and no one would get hurt, I could get up and leave if I wanted/needed to. That way everything would be great, I wouldn't be torn between doing something I would love to do and someone that I've fallen in love with, but things aren't great, they kind of suck and I'm really lonely and I want to be with someone. And how do I know that anything like that will ever happen, I would love it to, but how do I know it would or even could happen? And since I don't know that anything like that will happen, am I suppose to stay alone just in case some opportunity may or may not come my way? I don't like that prospect, it's a very lonely prospect....                                 (end)

And I wrote another fic, it's not HP, and well it's not completely fiction,either, it's a little autobiographical, sorta. It's PG-13, you know what they're doing but there's nothing graphic. I was going to describe what they were doing but I decided to go with what's going through their heads as things are happening, instead. A lot of it is from her point of view 'cause it's hard for me to know what goes on in his head. Hope you like it, let me know what you guys think.

                                                                         Giving Into Temptation.....

They're eyes met and they knew what the other one was thinking. Each one could almost feel the others longing to be close but there were other people in the room. Besides she knew that there could be nothing between them. He had a girlfriend and there was no point in thinking or hoping that he was going to leave her. She felt him draw nearer to her, her heart began to race, he was right next to her now. He leaned in and whispered in her ear, wanting her to meet him in another room where they could be alone. He left the room, she stood there knowing exactly what would happen if she followed.

Hadn't they already talked about this, they had agreed to end their little rendezvous. She didn't want to be the other girl. She told herself that it wasn't going to happen again. She had half-a-mind to just leave him waiting. After all, look at what he was doing to his girlfriend and he was only using her, he would deserve it. Oh, who was she kidding? She wanted him so bad despite all the logical reasons she had not to. She headed for the door. As she reached the room in which he was waiting for her, she had every intention to tell him she wasn't going to do this anymore.

She took a deep breath and opened the door. He approached her as she turned to close the door. She held onto the door knob as if for support. He was right behind her. She couldn't turn around, so she stood facing the door and she started to speak, "I thought we weren't going to do this anymore, we......" He wrapped his arms around her waist and she fell silent. She lost all sense of reason when he touched her. It was like his touch turned off the logical part of her brain and she couldn't think of any reason not to be doing this. All she could think about is how good it felt to have him touching her and how much she wanted him.

He pulled her closer to him and she melted into his arms, letting the rush of pleasure take over her whole body. The chemistry between them was unbelievable. What was this connection they had? Oh, to hell with the consequences, it didn't matter that it was wrong. She wanted him and he wanted her.

He loved his girlfriend and never thought he would be the kind of guy to cheat but there was something about this woman in his arms. There was something that neither of them could quit explain between them. It was almost like something out of a movie, these things didn't happen in real life, not to her, anyway. There was passion and longing and desire and no matter what they said they couldn't stop thinking about each other.

When he touched her she felt like the only woman on earth. He wanted her and she could feel it. She was beautiful and sexy to him, no matter what she though of herself. He loved how passionate she was, how much she wanted to please as well as be pleased.

She dreaded the moment they would have to leave the room. In here, it was just them and they could just enjoy each other. Once they left the room, it was back to reality and the fact that it wasn't just them. She held him closer not wanting to let him go. Oh, she knew this was wrong but.... How could something that felt so good be wrong? Why couldn't it be simpler? If only they had met at a different time. They could have had so much. But all they had were these stolen moments in time, these wonderful moments where nothing else mattered except them enjoying one another, and sadly that's all they would ever have.

The End

Wow, that's all I can say!!

2008-02-11T03:14:57Z

So, I went and saw Wicked last night with Caitlin, and it was incredible!!! We had so much fun. We went to this really cool restaurant where you can cook your own food. I was kinda leery about it because I don't cook, :) but it was easy and really good food. That was at Hollywood and Highland and then we took a shuttle to the Pantages theater and saw WICKED!!! And, OMG, it was better then I could have imagined. It was so amazing, I loved it!!  I can't get the music out of my head. I woke up this morning singing Defying Gravity!! :D They changed a lot of things from the book but I loved how they did it. And, oh, I love Elphaba, she's my hero!!!! I'm getting "Defying Gravity" tattooed on me!

I bought a Wicked jacket, shirt and 2 key chains! I'm starting my Wicked collection to go along with my Harry Potter one. (Granted it will take a lot more Wicked stuff to even come close to the amount of Harry Potter stuff I have! :D) Oh, but I had so much fun. Caitlin, dear, we must do things like this more often!!  And we decided to walk back to Hollywood and Highland instead of taking the shuttle. So, we walked down Hollywood Blvd for a few blocks, it was very interesting, to say the least. Very interesting people on Hollywood Blvd and there were people from all walks of life on that street. It just kinda makes you think.

In other news, I'm not sure if I'll be able to go to Portus this year. I don't have the money and unless I can find a way to pay for it I won't be able to go. :(

Well, I'm going to bed, I'm soooo tired! I did 5 massages today and now I need a massage and bed!!!

ZOMG!! I LOVE WICKED!!!!!

2008-01-29T18:03:28Z

I just finished reading the book and I'm going to go see the the play on February 9th!! I can't wait!! I was going to wait to post about this until I saw the play but I couldn't wait. It's such a great book! I got the soundtrack and it's amazing!!! I haven't been this excited about something since Harry Potter!! I'm planning to get a Wicked tattoo, I want to get one that says "Defying Gravity". I love what that stands for and I love Elphaba, the wicked witch of the west. The book really makes you think. I love books that make you think and make you question what you've been told is right and wrong. If you haven't read the book, you should!

And I am totally crushing on Idina Menzel, who played Elphaba in the original broadway production. She is incredible!! Her voice is amazing, she's a great actress and she's gorgeous!! She just came out with a cd and it's really good, I highly recommend it!! And I went out and bought Rent (she's in that, as well) and it was really good. Idina plays a lesbian in the movie!! *tee hee* Oh, man, I love her!! *having a fangirl moment*

I love Wicked!!!

:D

Sometimes things happen that really make you stop and think.

2008-01-24T08:57:27Z

The death of Heath Ledger really hit me because he's only a few years older than I am. I had just turned on the radio and the news came on and they said he had died. At first I thought I must have heard the name wrong it couldn't be who I thought it was. But it was him and all I could think of is he's only like 3 years older than me and it seemed to come so out of left field! I mean we really haven't head anything like he had a drug problem or issues with depression or anything like that. We hear everyday how messed up Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are but there seemed to be no indication that there was a problem with him. I guess he didn't go around publicizing his problems. I just felt so sad for him and his family.

Anyway, it made me really think about things. Like what's really important and what I really want to get out of my life. I'm not sure I have the answers to these questions yet, but these things have been on my mind.

I gave my 2 week notice to Borders, I'm going to go work at the spa full time. I figured it out and I'll be making more money than I'm making now and I'll only have to work 5 days a week instead of 6. Since I told them I'm leaving, lots of people have told me they'll miss me and that I did a really good job in the kids section and it's been really nice to hear all these things. It's made me think about staying but I know I need to do this, I need the money and I really want more time to hang-out with my friends and just enjoy life. But it's nice to know that people like having you around. I've just always thought no one really liked me, (really it was me who didn't like me) that's why I'm surprised when realize that people do actually like me or they want to help me out. I just never expect that from anyone.

4 days into the new year and.....

2008-01-05T01:21:10Z

I'm doing okay on my resolutions. I am enjoying life a little more, and that was one of resolutions, so that's good. Not much has happened in 4 days, but, still, I feel better about being alive than I did a week ago. I went to a party on New Years Eve and had a great time. On the eating healthier, um, hmm, it's so much easier said than done, but I haven't had any soda the past 4 days and have been eating less junk food so I guess I'm doing okay on that front. I haven't exercised at all, that's really bad, I need to start doing that. But it's really hard to change your ways and that's what I'm trying to do. It's not going to happen over night, even if when you wake up and it's a new year. But I also haven't been feeling good again, yeah, I know, now I'm just making excuses but still..... I am looking for another job and that was one of my resolutions as well. I just can't keep these hours anymore.

Is there such a thing as faint? On the first, I was going to ask the spa I work at if I could work there full time and then I would quit Borders, and if that wouldn't work out I was going to start looking for another job. But before I could do any of these things, I got a phone call from a girl I use to work with at the spa. She is now a medical biller, and she knew I use to be one, and the company she works for is hiring. So, she called me and asked me if I wanted another job, and I was like "YES"!!! So, the past few days she has been helping me with my resume and she talked to the boss and put in a good word for me. She e-mailed my resume last night and now I'm waiting to see if they call me for an interview. You know, even if I don't get this job, I realized that there are people out there willing to help other people. I've never had anyone help me out like she did, I had no idea how to do a resume and she took time out to help me write it and talk to her boss about me. It was just really nice of her and I was kind of surprised but happy that she did this for me.

I already told Borders that I couldn't continue working the hours I've been working, that it's effecting my health. And they don't want me to leave and if I don't get this other job, I already told them about it because if I do get it, I'm definitely going to take it, it's better money, much better, with benefits and holidays. But if I don't get it, they (Borders) are willing to keep me on and work out a schedule that I can handle better. I feel like I'm being weak or something by saying I can't work these kind of hours. But I just can't, my body is just not able to function properly when I have to be up so early. Some people just aren't cut out to work early hours and I guess I'm one of them. I feel like a walking zombie, I can't think clearly and I know it's the hours, I just can't do it anymore.

It's a new year!!!

2008-01-01T04:54:19Z

That means I can pretty much start over, right? Right! :)

Okay, well, I went to the doctor because I've been sick (I've had cold-like symptoms and digestion issues and just feeling like crap and utterly run down for at least a month) and it hasn't gone away or gotten better. So, I decided to make a trip to the doctor and see if there's something going on. I got blood work done, and the test came back, well there was nothing too serious going on. My sugars are high and I am at risk of getting Diabetes if I don't change the way I'm eating and I need to loose the extra weight. It looks like I do have Major Depression and that can make you sick as well. Also, the hours I've been keeping (I have to be at work at 6am Mon-Fri, and I'm not a morning person in any sense of the word, and then after work, most of the time, I've had to watch the kids. So, they've been really long days.) are not healthy and I need to make some changes there, as well. I don't eat right and I don't take care of myself and I'm depressed and I've been stressing out about money and having to watch the kids and everything else that's been going on, so, I guess that would be why I haven't been feeling good.

What I got form all of this is I really need to make some lifestyle changes. I need to loose the weight, I have about 60lbs. to loose. I need to eat healthier, I need to stop drinking sodas and eating junk food. I need to start exercising. I'm looking for another job, with normal hours and hopefully more pay. I've been struggling to pay my bills and that's been really stressful. And with all the stuff that's been going on the past couple of months I've been really depressed. So, I need to stop stressing out and find a way to cope with my depression. I had a major episode of depression that lasted at least 2 years, where I hide myself from the rest of the world and I lost 2 yrs of my life and I don't want to go through that again. I think that depression is something that I'm going to have to live with and I have to make the best of my life, mental illness or not. I have 2 choices, either let depression consume me and be miserable for the rest of my life or learn how to deal with it and be happy. I think I'll go with number 2.

It goes without saying that my New Year's resolution is to get healthy, in every way. Physically, I need to loose weight and eat better. Mentally and emotionally, I'm going to get counseling, I know it will help just to be able to talk to someone. I'm going to try and look at things in a more positive way instead of looking at everything that I don't have and everything that's wrong, I'm going to look at the things I do have and what's going right in my life. And I need to stop putting myself down, I'm really not that bad. And I need to stop dwelling on all the mistakes I've made, I'm human and I'm going to make mistakes but at least I can say I've learned from them. And I need to do these things, so that I can have a better life. I hope everyone has a Happy New Year. I wish you all the happiness and success. Here's to 2008 being a great year. *raises glass*

I love Jo!!

2007-12-31T02:02:46Z

I just listened to PotterCast's interview with Jo. I think they recorded it awhile ago but I haven't been listening to the podcast or been on any of the fansites for awhile, so I just found out about it. Anyway, she's great, she was so down to earth and answered a lot of really good questions. Listening to it just made me remember how much I love Harry Potter and Jo, and how much they have meant to me. She will be doing an encyclopedia but it doesn't look like it will be out soon. I hope it doesn't take ten years but I know it will be worth the wait. From what she said it will have everything in it, all the back story, all the plot lines that didn't make it into the books, everything!!! It'll be awesome, it'll be all the stuff a fan like me (and everyone I know) would want to know. So, of course I want her to take her time on it and put as much info in there as she can but I wish we could have it soon! Oh, well, I guess I will have to wait. :(

And I did go to the doctor and get blood work done, and I got the test results back. But I really don't want to talk about that right now, I will post about it soon. I need to go take a shower and get ready for bed since I have to be at work at 6am. I'm thinking of getting a new job.

I like it!!

2007-12-29T00:51:21Z

Lets101 - Free Online Dating Site

Fic rec....

2007-12-26T03:45:20Z

If you like smut fics than you'll love this fic. It's het and it's hot!! It's from inell, who I love and think is a wonderful writer. She's written many o' fics and every single one that I've read is great. So, if you like good fics, you should check out her stuff. She has almost every pairing you can think of and it's not all rated adult, although those are my fav. *blushes slightly* *tee hee*

Here it is:

http://inell.livejournal.com/659496.html

Merry Christmas!!!

2007-12-25T04:23:50Z

First Merry Christmas to all!!!

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm at home, I have the day off tomorrow and I get to sleep in. Yay!!! We don't really celebrate Christmas, my Mom's Jewish so we do Hanukkah here. So, Happy Hanukkah, I know it's late ;) if that's what you do. But I kind of do both, all though I won't be doing much tomorrow. My Dad and brothers (the ones my mom and dad had together) and my Dad's whole side of the family does Christmas. Since I'm not really into organized religion, I do both, I don't have to pick just one. I like the holidays and celebrating, and giving and receiving presents, and good food and all that stuff. I gave my friends their Christmas presents. And we had a nice little party at work today, and that was fun.

I've been writing a few little things, so when I'm done, I'll post them. Some of them are like the little thing I wrote for ZZ.

Also, I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday. I've been pretty sick lately, it comes and goes, and won't go away, but I've had to call into work and I just think there may be something going on. So, we'll see. I don't know if it's just all the stuff that's been going on, and it's catching up with me, or if it's depression (that can cause you to get sick too). I know I'm depressed, well really I have depression and I think that's going to have to be something I have to live with. But I want to rule out anything else. My mom, who is a Nurse Practitioner, thinks it could be something and wants to test me for a few different things. She says it could be a thyroid issue. Whatever it is, I just want to know what's wrong with me. I should know by Thursday. *fingers crossed it's not something too serious*

But enough of that for now. I hope everyone has a great Holiday!!!

I think I'm done with my hiatus.....

2007-12-23T00:09:59Z

Well, I've decided to come back to LJ. I missed it. I know my last post was kind of crazy, or at least it made me sound kind of crazy, but I had just hit rock bottom and it's probably a good idea not to post when your that depressed. :D

It wasn't just what happened with Blue, although I do regret what happen, but it was everything. It was the stuff with that guy, it was me being stress out about money and work, and then there was stuff going on with my mom and the kids. I think it was all of that and it just got to me and I pretty much had a meltdown and I was in so much pain I just wanted it to end.

What happen with Blue and that guy was me just looking for some affection and trying to get it anywhere I could. I know that's sounds really bad and it wasn't right but that's what it was. I was so lonely and just wanted someone to want me. But I went about it the wrong way. And, Blue, I'm sorry you got caught up in all this and I'm sorry I lost you as a friend.

I had told myself that I didn't want a relationship, I just wanted sex, no feelings involved. But the truth of the matter is you can't have sex with someone without getting feelings.  There's just no way to not have feelings get involved, your dealing with people and people have feelings and don't want to be used. I know now I do want a relationship but I need to work on myself and figure out some stuff before I get involved with anyone.

So, I know that the best way to look at what has gone on over the past few months is that I've made a lot of mistakes but I've learned something from them and I won't be doing them again.   I'm now see a therapist and hopeful that will help, if anything I think it will help me learn how to cope with life.

I think I might be going crazy.

2007-11-12T20:31:59Z

Well, I had a great weekend with Blue, until I did something really stupid and screwed it all up. I've been making a lot of mistakes lately. I'm done with the whole dating or whatever the fuck I've been doing, I'm done!! All that's come of it is someone getting hurt. That's it, I give up.

And ZZ, please just ignore my e-mail, I haven't checked to see if you responded or not, but just ignore it. I'm sure you said no, and now I'm not even sure if I'll be going to Portus.

I really need to take sometime and figure some stuff out. I'm going to quit my job at the spa, there's just too much crap going on. I left Blue's in the middle of the night and was attempting to drive all the way home but I was tired, so I got off the freeway and stayed at a motel so I didn't get in an accident.  But the scary thing is that the thought of ending it all was kind of tempting, and that really scared me. Usually I can find some glimmer of hope to live but not lately. I feel like I'm falling apart, I can't seem to cope with anything anymore.

I'm going to take sometime to try and get better. I'm not going to be available via the internet for awhile. So, if you respond to this or e-mail me, don't take it personally if I don't respond back, I'm just going to be staying off LJ and Face Book and my e-mail for awhile, I need to figure some stuff out, like where I really want my life to go.

I'm just not that type of girl.

2007-11-09T01:40:28Z

Well, I tired to be the girl who can mess around and not have any feelings for anyone because I've told myself for so long that I don't want a relationship. I thought all I wanted was to get laid and not be tied down to any one person. I wanted to play the field and not fall for anyone. I wanted the single life, to be able to do whatever I wanted with whoever I wanted or even however many people I wanted. But I've realized that's not the case, I can't do more than make-out with someone without having feelings for them. Making-out is one thing and it not really that big of a deal but to practically have sex with someone that's different.

What happen with the-guy-I-wasn't-supposed-to-be-fooling-around-with was definitely a learning experience, and that's probably the best way to look at it. I learned that I can't just fool around and not have feelings for the person I'm fooling around with. I hated the sneaking around and pretending like there's nothing between the two of us. I can't be the "other girl", I just can't because than if I do end up falling for that person there's nothing I can do about it because their already in a relationship with someone and they're not going to leave that person. I mean obvious they love the person their with and even if their attracted to me that doesn't mean they want to hurt the person their in a relationship with. And the person who ends up getting hurt is me.

This morning I called my job and told them I quit, I didn't give them all the reasons, there is more than the one. My reason-that-I-didn't-tell-them, was that I can't work with him anymore, it's just better if we go our separate ways because I know if I keep seeing him I'm not going to get over him. Also, the girl that I made-out with at the party (the one he got so upset over) is acting as if she really likes me and the thing is I don't have feelings for her, I mean she's very nice but I just don't feel that way about her. I know her marriage is on the rocks but I can't get involved with someone I don't have feelings for, it's not fair to them. I don't want to hurt anyone. It's just better if I leave. But my boss called me and told me she didn't want me to quit. And now I don't know what I'm going to do. I told them the reason I was quitting was because I couldn't pay for the insurance that we have to have to work as a massage therapist, which is true. I can't afford $200 right now, but she said the spa would be able to help me pay for it. So, I don't know what I'm going to do. I do need the job but I don't think I can keep working there, it wouldn't be too difficult to find another job. I don't know.... what should I do?

I know now that I can't just fool around with people, especially at work. And the truth is I do want a relationship, what I don't want is a repeat of my last one (and only one, that's how bad it was). I want something casual, someone to hang-out with, to go to the movies with, to cuddle and kiss and, of course, have sex with but we wouldn't be having sex with anyone else. And they would want to be with me for me, not just 'cause I give it up. He told me on Sunday that he did have feelings for me but he loved his girlfriend and he didn't want her to find out about us because he didn't want to hurt her. But then last night he pretty much said he was just fooling around with me and there were no feelings for me. I don't know which one is true, I think the first but it doesn't really matter does it? We can't keep doing stuff together and we're not going to because truth-be-told I was falling for him. And the sad thing is that when I fall for someone I tend to fall hard, I'm not sure if that's really a bad thing but it's just the truth of the matter.

But I'm going to go see Blue tomorrow and I'm really excited. I really need to just get away for a few days.

I upgraded to a paid account... finally!!!!

2007-11-04T01:24:57Z

I know, it took me long enough, right?! Now I need icons, where should I go?

In other news...

I'm doing better. I love my friends, and that includes LJ friends, I really don't know what I would do without you guys, probably jump off a cliff. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support.

For now, I'm staying with my mom, I really can't afford to live on my own right now, and I need to just accept that and not let it bother me too much because there's nothing I can do about that at this point. I consolidated my debt and I'll be saving a couple hundred dollars a month, so that's nice. I'm starting to take active steps to loose the weight. So, for now life is okay.

I'm sorry I kind of was freaking out last weekend. I was just super emotional, it was that time of the month, so I guess that would be why. :D And everything just came to a head all at once and I couldn't hang. And I just realized how lonely I was, and how much I want a partner in my life. *tries not to think about that because it hurts too much* :(

Anyway, I've decided to go back to school. I'm still not exactly sure what I want to do but I need to go back to school. I'm thinking of going into psychology, or marketing, or business, or interior design, or....... I could go on, there are a few things that interest me. But I'm just going to start school and see what happens.